'Merry Christmas? Along with millions of other middle class mothers, I can't afford one'

It's been a long time - I shouldn't have left you without a strong rhyme to step to. Anyway, on with the show.

This could be the most astonishing article that I've seen for quite some time. I can't begin to comprehend the horror that must be renting a two-bedroom flat in West London. However it's good to see the author develop some sense of perspective:

Of course, to some struggling to pay even basic household bills, this may all sound like another self-pitying whinge from someone who once had it all. But I guess the point is that still — despite the recession — many of us feel under more pressure than ever before to create a perfect Christmas

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1335550/Merry-Christmas-Along-millions-middle-class-families-I-afford-says-CHARLOTTE-METCALF.html

'We can't talk to you because you're dead': Tax office blunder 'kills off' mother-of-two

There's a lot to like about this story, but I think my favourite part is that the stamp on the letter almost says 'Priority Cocks Team'. Marvellous.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1288315/Tax-office-blunder-kills-mother-two.html

Two car crashes leave woman with 24 hour memory that makes her think it's 1994 EVERY morning

After what feels like forever, the good people of the Mail oblige us with some sad face action. 1994's not a bad year to have on constant re-wind - Mandela gets elected, grunge music eventually goes away and OG Fred West makes a name for himself.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-1285535/Two-car-crashes-leave-Michelle-Philpots-24-hour-memory.html

Father 'forced son to eat his poor school report card'

Now I'm as disappointed as you guys are that this is just a library picture. Still, sterling work from the boys on the picture desk here.

A single euro's worth of damages does seems a bit feeble though. If my old man did this to me I'd at the very least have blackmailed a SNES out of him to buy my silence.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1281617/Father-forced-son-eat-bad-school-report.html

Disabled grandfather arrested by EIGHT police officers for drink-driving on his 4mph mobility scooter

I love this one. He looks a bit like he's posing for a byeline photo, the mad old alky. But downing seven pints and hopping onto a scooter? A man's gotta know his limitations.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1281474/Mobility-scooter-boozer-62-arrested-police-officers-marked-cars.html

Driver orders toddler off bus for wearing 'offensive' England football shirt

1) I bet this never happened, just like those halfwits who posted their Facebook statuses as 'OMG THE POLIS JUST TOLD MY PUB THEY HAD 2 TAK THEIR WORLD CUP FLAGS DOWN CUZ MUSLIMS COMPLAINED EDL LOL'

2) Would you look at the fucking state of that.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1281019/Driver-orders-toddler-bus-wearing-offensive-England-football-shirt.html

Man aged 33 is refused a bottle of wine in Tesco... because he had no ID

It's quite flattering at your age. To be honest mate, you could use all the compliments you get.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1281063/Engaged-33-year-old-refused-bottle-wine-Tesco--ID.html

Grandmother fined £50 for picking up wrong dog mess (even though she picked up her dog's too)

Gonna have to leave this one to my man Clay Davis:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1279632/Grandmother-fined-50-picking-wrong-dog-mess-picked-dogs-too.html

Lesbian couple 'forced out of church for holding hands in the pews'

As you'd expect the comments are golden on this one. Thanks, Kin from Barnet:

"you have to understand, what they are doing and the relationship they are in is a sin, there is no greater sin as sin is sin. The Church was a bit hard kicking them out, and pretty sure many others have sin. The church must remember that God loves the people but hates the sin. The only thing is that people who continue to sin should not take up leadership role within the church, people should start reading the bible more especially when Jesus question the public when they were going to stone a girl to death, no one throw a stone after what he said. do not let political change interfere with your principle in the bible."

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1278349/Lesbians-forced-church-holding-hands-pews.html

Shopkeeper bars 17-year-old cyclist from buying puncture repair kit... 'in case he sniffs the glue'

The Tories have only been in power five minutes and they're already pulling this shit. Anyway, I thought the kids were boshing the plant food these days?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1278085/Shopkeeper-stops-17-year-old-buying-puncture-repair-kit-fix-bike-case-sniffs-glue.html