'Merry Christmas? Along with millions of other middle class mothers, I can't afford one'

It's been a long time - I shouldn't have left you without a strong rhyme to step to. Anyway, on with the show.

This could be the most astonishing article that I've seen for quite some time. I can't begin to comprehend the horror that must be renting a two-bedroom flat in West London. However it's good to see the author develop some sense of perspective:

Of course, to some struggling to pay even basic household bills, this may all sound like another self-pitying whinge from someone who once had it all. But I guess the point is that still — despite the recession — many of us feel under more pressure than ever before to create a perfect Christmas

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1335550/Merry-Christmas-Along-millions-middle-class-families-I-afford-says-CHARLOTTE-METCALF.html

'We can't talk to you because you're dead': Tax office blunder 'kills off' mother-of-two

There's a lot to like about this story, but I think my favourite part is that the stamp on the letter almost says 'Priority Cocks Team'. Marvellous.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1288315/Tax-office-blunder-kills-mother-two.html

Two car crashes leave woman with 24 hour memory that makes her think it's 1994 EVERY morning

After what feels like forever, the good people of the Mail oblige us with some sad face action. 1994's not a bad year to have on constant re-wind - Mandela gets elected, grunge music eventually goes away and OG Fred West makes a name for himself.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-1285535/Two-car-crashes-leave-Michelle-Philpots-24-hour-memory.html

Father 'forced son to eat his poor school report card'

Now I'm as disappointed as you guys are that this is just a library picture. Still, sterling work from the boys on the picture desk here.

A single euro's worth of damages does seems a bit feeble though. If my old man did this to me I'd at the very least have blackmailed a SNES out of him to buy my silence.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1281617/Father-forced-son-eat-bad-school-report.html

Disabled grandfather arrested by EIGHT police officers for drink-driving on his 4mph mobility scooter

I love this one. He looks a bit like he's posing for a byeline photo, the mad old alky. But downing seven pints and hopping onto a scooter? A man's gotta know his limitations.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1281474/Mobility-scooter-boozer-62-arrested-police-officers-marked-cars.html

Driver orders toddler off bus for wearing 'offensive' England football shirt

1) I bet this never happened, just like those halfwits who posted their Facebook statuses as 'OMG THE POLIS JUST TOLD MY PUB THEY HAD 2 TAK THEIR WORLD CUP FLAGS DOWN CUZ MUSLIMS COMPLAINED EDL LOL'

2) Would you look at the fucking state of that.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1281019/Driver-orders-toddler-bus-wearing-offensive-England-football-shirt.html

Man aged 33 is refused a bottle of wine in Tesco... because he had no ID

It's quite flattering at your age. To be honest mate, you could use all the compliments you get.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1281063/Engaged-33-year-old-refused-bottle-wine-Tesco--ID.html

Grandmother fined £50 for picking up wrong dog mess (even though she picked up her dog's too)

Gonna have to leave this one to my man Clay Davis:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1279632/Grandmother-fined-50-picking-wrong-dog-mess-picked-dogs-too.html

Lesbian couple 'forced out of church for holding hands in the pews'

As you'd expect the comments are golden on this one. Thanks, Kin from Barnet:

"you have to understand, what they are doing and the relationship they are in is a sin, there is no greater sin as sin is sin. The Church was a bit hard kicking them out, and pretty sure many others have sin. The church must remember that God loves the people but hates the sin. The only thing is that people who continue to sin should not take up leadership role within the church, people should start reading the bible more especially when Jesus question the public when they were going to stone a girl to death, no one throw a stone after what he said. do not let political change interfere with your principle in the bible."

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1278349/Lesbians-forced-church-holding-hands-pews.html

Shopkeeper bars 17-year-old cyclist from buying puncture repair kit... 'in case he sniffs the glue'

The Tories have only been in power five minutes and they're already pulling this shit. Anyway, I thought the kids were boshing the plant food these days?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1278085/Shopkeeper-stops-17-year-old-buying-puncture-repair-kit-fix-bike-case-sniffs-glue.html

Pet rescue centre refuses to hand back lost dog to widow, saying: 'Sorry, we sold her'

Tells you what, that mutt was GOOD EATIN'.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1273768/Pet-rescue-centre-refuses-hand-lost-dog-widow-saying-Sorry-sold-her.html

'Anti-ginger bullies forced our daughter out of school'

After seeing that M.I.A. video the other day they want to keep her indoors for safety's sake, or consider investing in a balaclava.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1270379/Anti-ginger-bullies-forced-daughter-school.html

Mother left bedbound by N cup breasts has operation to remove 2.5 stone of flesh from her chest

FIT.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1271378/Bedbound-boobs-Julia-Manihuari-operation-remove-2-5st-flesh.html

Facebook vigilante posts 6,000 photos of convicted paedophiles and sex offenders online as 'invaluable tool for parents'

"On a couple of occasions I have had paedophiles try and hunt me down. I guess it's an occupational hazard" 

I don't think you're their type, sweetheart.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1270064/Facebook-vigilante-posts-6-000-photos-convicted-paedophiles-sex-offenders-online-invaluable-tool-parents.html

What, no swings? Families' fury after council spends £70,000 on 'deathtrap playground which looks like a cemetery'

Sorry for the delayed updates, I've been moving house. This one looks like a stock photo for a Childline advert doesn't it? It does make you wonder what the photographer said to get the kid looking so glum - "There's been a terrible accident, yer mam and dad are dead....that's it, stop still now"

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1272740/Family-fury-Sunderland-council-spends-70-000-deathtrap-playground.html

Under-16 netball team need oxygen after getting stuck in hotel lift for almost THREE hours

This one is right on the fucking line isn't it? My keyboard releases toxic vapours that make you suggestible. You know I must say I actually feel more suggestible and that's just from one sniff.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1269529/Under-16-netball-team-gets-stuck-hotel-lift-nearly-hours.html

Police breathalyse CHILDREN at village disco to stop anti-social behaviour

Your friends all say..."Where is our boy ? Oh, we've lost our boy" 

Apologies for the blurriness of the pic, I assume the Mail's online team are too busy playing Farmville.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1269149/Police-breathalyse-CHILDREN-village-disco-stop-anti-social-behaviour.html

Cardboard gestapo: Woman threatened with £300 fine over box that was too big for recycling bin slot

A whole SIX MONTHS of hell!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1268833/Grandmothers-month-court-ordeal-leaving-cardboard-box-recycling-bin.html

Granny flat dust-up: Distraught pensioner wrestles with police and jumps in front of the digger sent to demolish her £1million luxury annexe

 

I think I saw her on 'Danny Dyer's Deadliest Extensions' on Bravo the other week.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1268788/Pensioner-jumps-digger-sent-demolish-1million-luxury-annexe.html

Like 'the last days of Saigon': Angry and stranded, 350 British tourists cause near-riot at Bangkok airport

Yes, it's JUST like the fall of Saigon. Jeremy and Tamsin had to run for their lives when the NVA stormed the airport Starbucks. Bloody natives don't speak a word of English either. A very cruel race.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1268355/Iceland-volcano-Like-days-Saigon-stranded-British-tourists-cause-chaos-Bangkok-airport.html

Terrified girl, 12, dyes ginger hair blonde after receiving death threats from schoolmates

Turn that frown upside down!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1268303/Terrified-schoolgirl-dyes-hair-blonde-girl-gang-sends-seven-death-threats-day--ginger.html

Brain surgery grandfather finds he has been given X-rays of someone else's head 9 months after getting the all-clear

Mountain > molehill

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1267949/Brain-surgery-grandfather-finds-given-X-rays-elses-head-9-months-getting-clear.html

Father who accidentally set himself alight saved when son sprayed him with bottle of Coke

 This one just about scrapes in.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1267733/Burning-man-saved-son-sprayed-Coke.html

Mother and daughter banned from Disneyland... because they were dressed as fairy princesses

Fancy dress is for wankers, so I'm shoulder to shoulder with Uncle Walt here.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1267480/Mother-daughter-banned-Disneyland--dressed-fairy-princesses.html

M&S staff refuse to push cancer sufferer's trolley to her car 'because we are not insured to cross the road'

I'd have got it delivered myself. Doing the big shop is a right old faff.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1266401/M-S-staff-refuse-push-cancer-sufferers-trolley-car-insured.html

Caravanner, 61, prosecuted for having Swiss Army knife in his glove box... to cut up fruit on picnics

Just eat the skins you pussy, they're good for you.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1266170/Disabled-caravanner-prosecuted-keeping-penknife-car-use-picnics.html

The innocents branded yobs and perverts in crime record blunders

Oh my gosh! This one's a stinker:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1265750/Thousands-falsely-branded-criminals-bungling-CRB.html

Village hall used by professional dominatrix called 'Mistress Tia' to film bondage sessions

Would have preferred a pic of Disgusted Of Waters Upton, but you have to carry on don't you? That's how we beat the Germans.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1265382/Slave-trader-Village-hall-used-professional-dominatrix-called-Mistress-Tia-secret-bondage-sessions.html

Homeowner hit by burglars three times... after they spotted his garage door left open on Street View

 

Should have left it shut then.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1265573/Google-Street-View-helped-thieves-rob-mountain-bike-garage.html

Meet Britain's most accident prone man (but don't get too close!)

Can someone explain to me how he managed to 'stab himself in the stomach while whittling a stick', and what the hell whittling a stick is? Is it some kind of pre-industrial revolution McJob?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1265340/Meet-Britains-accident-prone-man-dont-close.html

Woman, 86, 'threatened by security staff at Marks & Spencer... for eating biscuit in wrong part of the store'

To quote Bernard Manning (and Didier Drogba), 'it's a fucking disgrace'

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1265398/Marks--Spencer-staff-threatened-86-year-old-lady-eating-cookie-wrong-store.html

U R sacked: Shop manager's disgust at being made redundant by text message

I think that's the least of his worries to be honest. Looking at his hair and phone, he appears to be trapped in 1999.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1264168/Leicestershire-shop-manager-sacked-text-message.html

Holiday ruined after Ryanair tells passenger 'You can't fly - the ink on your boarding pass is too FAINT'

I'm a bit perturbed by the picture agency credit here. Are they in-house?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1264163/Holiday-ruined-Ryanair-tells-passenger-You-fly--ink-boarding-pass-FAINT.html

Hilarious, Jonathan Ross? It wasn’t for me and my wife, says Andrew Sachs

I do like that couch Andrew. Where'd you get it?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1265140/Hilarious-Jonathan-Ross-It-wasn-t-wife-says-Andrew-Sachs.html

'WE MISREAD YOUR METER FOR YEARS...NOW YOU OWE US £10,000'

It was good of the picture editor to blur out the address.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1264113/We-misread-meter-years--owe-10-000-power-firm-tells-mother.html