Terrified girl, 12, dyes ginger hair blonde after receiving death threats from schoolmates

Turn that frown upside down!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1268303/Terrified-schoolgirl-dyes-hair-blonde-girl-gang-sends-seven-death-threats-day--ginger.html

Brain surgery grandfather finds he has been given X-rays of someone else's head 9 months after getting the all-clear

Mountain > molehill

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1267949/Brain-surgery-grandfather-finds-given-X-rays-elses-head-9-months-getting-clear.html

Father who accidentally set himself alight saved when son sprayed him with bottle of Coke

 This one just about scrapes in.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1267733/Burning-man-saved-son-sprayed-Coke.html

Mother and daughter banned from Disneyland... because they were dressed as fairy princesses

Fancy dress is for wankers, so I'm shoulder to shoulder with Uncle Walt here.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1267480/Mother-daughter-banned-Disneyland--dressed-fairy-princesses.html

M&S staff refuse to push cancer sufferer's trolley to her car 'because we are not insured to cross the road'

I'd have got it delivered myself. Doing the big shop is a right old faff.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1266401/M-S-staff-refuse-push-cancer-sufferers-trolley-car-insured.html

Caravanner, 61, prosecuted for having Swiss Army knife in his glove box... to cut up fruit on picnics

Just eat the skins you pussy, they're good for you.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1266170/Disabled-caravanner-prosecuted-keeping-penknife-car-use-picnics.html

The innocents branded yobs and perverts in crime record blunders

Oh my gosh! This one's a stinker:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1265750/Thousands-falsely-branded-criminals-bungling-CRB.html

Village hall used by professional dominatrix called 'Mistress Tia' to film bondage sessions

Would have preferred a pic of Disgusted Of Waters Upton, but you have to carry on don't you? That's how we beat the Germans.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1265382/Slave-trader-Village-hall-used-professional-dominatrix-called-Mistress-Tia-secret-bondage-sessions.html

Homeowner hit by burglars three times... after they spotted his garage door left open on Street View

 

Should have left it shut then.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1265573/Google-Street-View-helped-thieves-rob-mountain-bike-garage.html

Meet Britain's most accident prone man (but don't get too close!)

Can someone explain to me how he managed to 'stab himself in the stomach while whittling a stick', and what the hell whittling a stick is? Is it some kind of pre-industrial revolution McJob?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1265340/Meet-Britains-accident-prone-man-dont-close.html