Under-16 netball team need oxygen after getting stuck in hotel lift for almost THREE hours

This one is right on the fucking line isn't it? My keyboard releases toxic vapours that make you suggestible. You know I must say I actually feel more suggestible and that's just from one sniff.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1269529/Under-16-netball-team-gets-stuck-hotel-lift-nearly-hours.html

Police breathalyse CHILDREN at village disco to stop anti-social behaviour

Your friends all say..."Where is our boy ? Oh, we've lost our boy" 

Apologies for the blurriness of the pic, I assume the Mail's online team are too busy playing Farmville.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1269149/Police-breathalyse-CHILDREN-village-disco-stop-anti-social-behaviour.html

Cardboard gestapo: Woman threatened with £300 fine over box that was too big for recycling bin slot

A whole SIX MONTHS of hell!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1268833/Grandmothers-month-court-ordeal-leaving-cardboard-box-recycling-bin.html

Granny flat dust-up: Distraught pensioner wrestles with police and jumps in front of the digger sent to demolish her £1million luxury annexe

 

I think I saw her on 'Danny Dyer's Deadliest Extensions' on Bravo the other week.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1268788/Pensioner-jumps-digger-sent-demolish-1million-luxury-annexe.html

Like 'the last days of Saigon': Angry and stranded, 350 British tourists cause near-riot at Bangkok airport

Yes, it's JUST like the fall of Saigon. Jeremy and Tamsin had to run for their lives when the NVA stormed the airport Starbucks. Bloody natives don't speak a word of English either. A very cruel race.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1268355/Iceland-volcano-Like-days-Saigon-stranded-British-tourists-cause-chaos-Bangkok-airport.html

Terrified girl, 12, dyes ginger hair blonde after receiving death threats from schoolmates

Turn that frown upside down!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1268303/Terrified-schoolgirl-dyes-hair-blonde-girl-gang-sends-seven-death-threats-day--ginger.html

Brain surgery grandfather finds he has been given X-rays of someone else's head 9 months after getting the all-clear

Mountain > molehill

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1267949/Brain-surgery-grandfather-finds-given-X-rays-elses-head-9-months-getting-clear.html

Father who accidentally set himself alight saved when son sprayed him with bottle of Coke

 This one just about scrapes in.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1267733/Burning-man-saved-son-sprayed-Coke.html

Mother and daughter banned from Disneyland... because they were dressed as fairy princesses

Fancy dress is for wankers, so I'm shoulder to shoulder with Uncle Walt here.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1267480/Mother-daughter-banned-Disneyland--dressed-fairy-princesses.html

M&S staff refuse to push cancer sufferer's trolley to her car 'because we are not insured to cross the road'

I'd have got it delivered myself. Doing the big shop is a right old faff.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1266401/M-S-staff-refuse-push-cancer-sufferers-trolley-car-insured.html

Caravanner, 61, prosecuted for having Swiss Army knife in his glove box... to cut up fruit on picnics

Just eat the skins you pussy, they're good for you.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1266170/Disabled-caravanner-prosecuted-keeping-penknife-car-use-picnics.html

The innocents branded yobs and perverts in crime record blunders

Oh my gosh! This one's a stinker:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1265750/Thousands-falsely-branded-criminals-bungling-CRB.html

Village hall used by professional dominatrix called 'Mistress Tia' to film bondage sessions

Would have preferred a pic of Disgusted Of Waters Upton, but you have to carry on don't you? That's how we beat the Germans.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1265382/Slave-trader-Village-hall-used-professional-dominatrix-called-Mistress-Tia-secret-bondage-sessions.html

Homeowner hit by burglars three times... after they spotted his garage door left open on Street View

 

Should have left it shut then.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1265573/Google-Street-View-helped-thieves-rob-mountain-bike-garage.html

Meet Britain's most accident prone man (but don't get too close!)

Can someone explain to me how he managed to 'stab himself in the stomach while whittling a stick', and what the hell whittling a stick is? Is it some kind of pre-industrial revolution McJob?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1265340/Meet-Britains-accident-prone-man-dont-close.html

Woman, 86, 'threatened by security staff at Marks & Spencer... for eating biscuit in wrong part of the store'

To quote Bernard Manning (and Didier Drogba), 'it's a fucking disgrace'

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1265398/Marks--Spencer-staff-threatened-86-year-old-lady-eating-cookie-wrong-store.html

U R sacked: Shop manager's disgust at being made redundant by text message

I think that's the least of his worries to be honest. Looking at his hair and phone, he appears to be trapped in 1999.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1264168/Leicestershire-shop-manager-sacked-text-message.html

Holiday ruined after Ryanair tells passenger 'You can't fly - the ink on your boarding pass is too FAINT'

I'm a bit perturbed by the picture agency credit here. Are they in-house?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1264163/Holiday-ruined-Ryanair-tells-passenger-You-fly--ink-boarding-pass-FAINT.html

Hilarious, Jonathan Ross? It wasn’t for me and my wife, says Andrew Sachs

I do like that couch Andrew. Where'd you get it?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1265140/Hilarious-Jonathan-Ross-It-wasn-t-wife-says-Andrew-Sachs.html

'WE MISREAD YOUR METER FOR YEARS...NOW YOU OWE US £10,000'

It was good of the picture editor to blur out the address.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1264113/We-misread-meter-years--owe-10-000-power-firm-tells-mother.html