Under-16 netball team need oxygen after getting stuck in hotel lift for almost THREE hours

This one is right on the fucking line isn't it? My keyboard releases toxic vapours that make you suggestible. You know I must say I actually feel more suggestible and that's just from one sniff.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1269529/Under-16-netball-team-gets-stuck-hotel-lift-nearly-hours.html

Police breathalyse CHILDREN at village disco to stop anti-social behaviour

Your friends all say..."Where is our boy ? Oh, we've lost our boy" 

Apologies for the blurriness of the pic, I assume the Mail's online team are too busy playing Farmville.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1269149/Police-breathalyse-CHILDREN-village-disco-stop-anti-social-behaviour.html

Cardboard gestapo: Woman threatened with £300 fine over box that was too big for recycling bin slot

A whole SIX MONTHS of hell!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1268833/Grandmothers-month-court-ordeal-leaving-cardboard-box-recycling-bin.html

Granny flat dust-up: Distraught pensioner wrestles with police and jumps in front of the digger sent to demolish her £1million luxury annexe

 

I think I saw her on 'Danny Dyer's Deadliest Extensions' on Bravo the other week.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1268788/Pensioner-jumps-digger-sent-demolish-1million-luxury-annexe.html

Like 'the last days of Saigon': Angry and stranded, 350 British tourists cause near-riot at Bangkok airport

Yes, it's JUST like the fall of Saigon. Jeremy and Tamsin had to run for their lives when the NVA stormed the airport Starbucks. Bloody natives don't speak a word of English either. A very cruel race.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1268355/Iceland-volcano-Like-days-Saigon-stranded-British-tourists-cause-chaos-Bangkok-airport.html

Terrified girl, 12, dyes ginger hair blonde after receiving death threats from schoolmates

Turn that frown upside down!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1268303/Terrified-schoolgirl-dyes-hair-blonde-girl-gang-sends-seven-death-threats-day--ginger.html

Brain surgery grandfather finds he has been given X-rays of someone else's head 9 months after getting the all-clear

Mountain > molehill

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1267949/Brain-surgery-grandfather-finds-given-X-rays-elses-head-9-months-getting-clear.html

Father who accidentally set himself alight saved when son sprayed him with bottle of Coke

 This one just about scrapes in.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1267733/Burning-man-saved-son-sprayed-Coke.html

Mother and daughter banned from Disneyland... because they were dressed as fairy princesses

Fancy dress is for wankers, so I'm shoulder to shoulder with Uncle Walt here.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1267480/Mother-daughter-banned-Disneyland--dressed-fairy-princesses.html

M&S staff refuse to push cancer sufferer's trolley to her car 'because we are not insured to cross the road'

I'd have got it delivered myself. Doing the big shop is a right old faff.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1266401/M-S-staff-refuse-push-cancer-sufferers-trolley-car-insured.html